I've always been a pretty happy, loud, silly person. But on and of since I was in middle school, there would be this dark cloud that would choose to appear. This dark cloud, this unwanted friend, changes my happy, loud, silly personality to anxious, sad, and lonely. I've dealt with it for almost my whole life. I've never gone to see a professional but I know what I deal with, I know this dark cloud pretty well. I know I deal with anxiety issues and I know I deal with depression.
Lately, it's been worst than normal. And that's because I allowed infertility to define me. To make me feel like I am not good enough. For my husband. For friends. It has implanted such negative thoughts in my head. Thoughts like I am not loved. By my husband. By friends. The hours I am awake, I am fighting a battle. I wake up to a quiet house and that's when the loud and negative thoughts begin. I am constantly fighting those thoughts throughout my day. I am exhausted by the end of the day and know that sleep, oh wonderful sleep, will hush those thoughts.
My husband and the gospel are my saving grace. Dark, depressing thoughts consume me but I fight. I fight because deep down, I know I am so loved; regardless of what this cloud tells me. I know there's better days to come, regardless of what this cloud stops me from seeing.
The past few weeks, I've let it live with me. I've allowed it to speak its mind. And I've listened. But I am done. I am done letting infertility define me. Infertility does NOT define me. I am not just the girl who wants to be a mom. I am a wife. A friend. A family member. A leader. A teacher. And so much more. I've been sitting here wondering if anyone sees my pain, if anyone thinks to help me through this pain but I am done. I am done being a victim. There are others suffering. There are others going through worst. And instead of sitting here in my grief, I can help and heal. Those in need, and myself. I am done sitting under this dark cloud and will seek the sunshine. I am done sitting at home wishing someone would invite me out of the darkness when I can be in control. I can put myself out there and make things happen. I am done being unhappy when there's so much to be happy about and thankful for.
I am done being depressed, sad, and lonely and am ready to be happy, loud, and silly. Yes, it sucks that I am not yet a mom. Yes, it sucks that I can't control everything. But if I am not happy until I have everything I want, I will never be happy. And happy looks great on me.....
I know how you feel.For a ling time I have felt this way.And recently id say about 4 months or so I told myself I was done letting my infertility issues run my life.You arent alone.Their are those you know and those whom watch you like me on social medias and feel empowered.Seeing you go through all this on IG and seeing you know give us strength.I wish you many blessings!!!
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