My Testimony

Every first Sunday of the month, my church (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) has a testimony meeting usually during the first hour of church. A testimony meeting, for those who don't know, is a time where members of the congregation can go up to the pulpit and share their feelings and testimony of the church, their relationship with God, etc. Today was testimony meeting and I wanted to go up to share what I have learned and of my feelings from recent experiences but 1. I was nervous and 2. I would want to tell the whole story and that would probably have bored some people. Anyway, I will just share my testimony on here.

First, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God loves me. Sometimes, it's hard for me to say this but deep in my bones, I always know of his love for me. I know He cares for me. I know if He could, He would give me that hug I always ask him for. I know He has a plan for me, however hard that may be to remember at times. I know He loves me because he has blessed me beyond measure. As I think about my biggest trial of desperately trying for a family, I am constantly reminded that although I do not have that child I long for, I have a home, I have financial stability, I have a supportive family, I have good health, I have the Gospel, I have friends, and best of all: I have my eternal companion who is my very best friend. I often think, "Man, this trial is HARD." But to be honest, if this is the only trial I will have to endure, I will take it! His love keeps me going. I depend on that love.

I believe in the power of prayer. Even unanswered prayers. I know they are all for my good. I have two specific examples from current events. Before RT and I really got tested and sought medical help to start a family, I knew it was time to seek help but I was just too scared. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how much it would all cost. I just felt alone! I prayed and prayed and prayed some more that He would send me friends that could help me, that could understand my pain and desire. And he did. He blessed me with friends who led me to seek help, who understood my pain, who supports me to this day. I cherish this friendship so much.

Before I found out the results of our second IUI, I did A LOT of praying. A LOT of pleading. I pleaded with him to make me a mom. I pleaded with him to give me a child. After a while, I knew that no matter how much I prayed, things would happen as they should. I turned my prayers around and simply told Him that I wanted to be a mom. I told him how badly I wanted it. I told him that I wish I would hear good news but if it was not the right time, that I would be OK. I asked him to bless me with strength and with peace. I asked him to allow me to not be destroyed and completely heartbroken if the results were negative. He didn't bless me with a baby. But He did bless me with strength. I've been thinking a lot about the past 2 weeks and how I have reacted. I wonder if people question how badly I really wanted to be pregnant since I seem to be OK right now and since I am moving on to adoption just a week after finding out the sad news. I question that too but every single time I do, I am reminded that I prayed for this. I prayed for the ability to move on. I prayed to be strong. I prayed for peace in my heart. I prayed that if I didn't get pregnant, that I would know adoption was the next step. THAT is why I am OK right now. I have a renew sense of peace, of hope, and of my purpose.

I am grateful for the Gospel. Without it, I would be distraught. Without it, I would feel lost and hopeless. I am grateful to know of my Heavenly Father. Of his love for me. I am grateful for this trail. It's so hard; believe me it's hard, but I remind myself often that it's because I am trusted. I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I tear up and I am tearing up right now thinking about His love for me. He loves me so much that He died for me. He has felt this heartache, this pain, this sadness that I feel. He KNOWS what I am going through, because He has SUFFERED for me.

I am hopeful for the future. I hope that we can be parents on this earth, but I know that no matter the outcome, the church is true, God loves me, and that it is not the end.