I still can't believe you're here and that I carried you for 9 months. I never thought I would ever get that chance. How lucky am I to be able to become a mom through two different, miraculous, and beautiful ways.
The night before you were born was full of emotions. As I put your sister to bed that night, I held her a little longer, told her I loved her a few extra times, and I just couldn't stop the tears from falling realizing that the very next day, you'd be here to join her and join our family.
The next morning, June 13th, we took our time getting ready and being with your sister. Your Yai Yai and gramma + grampa were here also awaiting your arrival. We confirmed plans of when your gramma and grampa would bring your sister to the hospital, took our last photos as a family of 3, and headed to the hospital. On the way, I listened to Peace In Christ by Hilary Weeks on repeat. I was excited and I knew things would be OK, but my anxiety of the c-section was driving me crazy and I needed calming peace. Listening to that song still brings me back to that exciting, anxious, crazy, blessed day.
We checked into the hospital then met up with our birth videographer/photographer. She filmed us waiting patiently to be called back and I remember thinking that was the perfect way to get my mind off of what was about to happen! Finally, I was called back alone and I changed into the hospital gown and socks. As I stuffed my shoes and clothing into the plastic bag provided by the hospital, I had to take a few deep breaths. This was really happening!
The next hour or so was hard for me. For the first half, I was still alone and the nurses prepped me for surgery. I'm not sure if the nurse was new or what but she was not my favorite. She couldn't find a vein and just kept poking and poking. She "found" one but nothing was happening so she pushed further in but still nothing. She tried the other arm and at this point, I was so nervous, annoyed, stressed, I had to close my eyes and pray it would end soon. As I squeezed my eyes shut tight and said a little prayer to myself, she is still poking around for a vein then I just feel a squirt and warm liquid all down my arm and hand. I couldn't open my eyes! When she was finally done with the IV, I opened my eyes and sure enough, the right side of my bed was covered in blood. I wanted to quit right then and there! That same nurse came back in and washed my arm and hand off and tucked the blood stained sheet under my body.
The other nurse came in and told me that my blood pressure had risen and that it would have to lower significantly before the surgery. No kidding! I was super stressed out because that other nurse made the IV seem/feel like major surgery!
Finally, Yai Yai and your dad were able to be with me. That alone helped with my blood pressure! I remember just laying there in silence staring off into space, silently having a panic attack. Your dad has never talked so much in the years I've known him. He was trying so hard to get me relaxed and not thinking about the c-section. Bless him.
What felt like the longest wait picked up quickly and my doctor finally came to see me. She sat on the bed with me and read over my birth plan. She introduced me to the anesthesiologist and he also read over the birth plan with me and asked me a few questions. They both reassured it was going to be quick and that it was all going to be OK.
Next thing I knew, I was walking down the hall to the OR with your dad by my side and the video/photographer following behind us. They stopped us at the door and told your dad he needed to get changed. I could tell he was starting to feel frazzled when he was frantically looking around for bathroom to change in! The nurses quickly told him the robe was suppose to go over his clothes haha. That was a nice a little humor break before entering the cold, bright operating room by myself.
I remember hearing the radio on and thinking, "man, this is just a normal day for them but my world is about to turn upside down!" I hugged a pillow and bent forward while the anesthesiologist tried several times to find the perfect spot for the epidural. It's definitely unnerving when you hear, "you're just so petite, I'm having a hard time." That made me freak out even more! He asked me to stay still and I answered him in my head, "how am I suppose to do that when you just said you can't find the right spot of this dang thing!"
Finally, a jolt hit my body and my left leg jerked. He asked me if I was OK and I told him that I was but I wanted to make sure it would work throughout my whole body and not just my left leg. He laid me down and reassured me that it would quickly numb everything. I nervously asked him to test it out. He asked if I could feel the tap and of course, I couldn't. I asked him if it would last the whole surgery and he reassured me that it would. I think he could tell I was over the edge at that point and asked me if I wanted something to calm me down. That was not a part of my plan but I knew I needed it. He was so kind, gave me what I needed to take the edge off, and rubbed my forehead until your dad was allowed in.
As soon as I saw your dad by my head, I just started to cry. I tried to catch my breath but the reality again was hitting me! The anesthesiologist came over again, rubbed my forehead and told me to calm down. He must have thought I was insane but he was still so kind! I honestly loved him and considered him my best friend in that operating room!
Your dad was my other best friend. He took over for the anesthesiologist and rubbed my forehead while he talked to me and told me how much he loved me and how strong I was. I was nervous I would smell weird things and feel extreme amount of tugging on my body but whatever the anesthesiologist gave me made things a bit foggy so I wasn't really 100 percent present. I didn't feel much of anything and just laid there like a vegetable with tears rolling down my face. Finally, I could hear that sweet cry and they lowered the blue curtain to show your sweet face to us through the clear drape. I remember saying loudly, "he looks like me!"
Unfortunately you couldn't come see me right away because the nurses were concerned about you. They worked on you for quite a while, around 20 minutes. I just watched as the doctor was gluing me up. You cried and cried and although you couldn't hear me from where I was lying, I kept telling you it would be OK. Your dad was the first to hold you. He took a photo with you then a nurse wrapped you up and brought you over to me. Still you were crying and as I held you and kissed your sweet face, I told you that you couldn't cry on your birthday!
It was such a surreal moment. There I was being operated on, holding a baby I never thought I would physically carry in my own womb, looking back between your sweet face and your dad's sweet face. I will never forget that moment. I soaked it all in. I was no longer concerned what was going on behind that curtain and I just held you close.
After some skin to skin, we were moved into our room where we would stay for 2 nights. I remember not wanting to put you down yet being so tired and not sure how my arms were operating. A few hours after your were born, you were able to finally meet your big sister! She was excited but I don't think she fully comprehended what was going on. She was mainly concerned about me and kept talking about how I was hurt. After the fog cleared, you and I snuggled as much as possible with the World Cup playing in the background. I was so tired yet so happy to have you here with us!
The next morning, June 13th, we took our time getting ready and being with your sister. Your Yai Yai and gramma + grampa were here also awaiting your arrival. We confirmed plans of when your gramma and grampa would bring your sister to the hospital, took our last photos as a family of 3, and headed to the hospital. On the way, I listened to Peace In Christ by Hilary Weeks on repeat. I was excited and I knew things would be OK, but my anxiety of the c-section was driving me crazy and I needed calming peace. Listening to that song still brings me back to that exciting, anxious, crazy, blessed day.
We checked into the hospital then met up with our birth videographer/photographer. She filmed us waiting patiently to be called back and I remember thinking that was the perfect way to get my mind off of what was about to happen! Finally, I was called back alone and I changed into the hospital gown and socks. As I stuffed my shoes and clothing into the plastic bag provided by the hospital, I had to take a few deep breaths. This was really happening!
The next hour or so was hard for me. For the first half, I was still alone and the nurses prepped me for surgery. I'm not sure if the nurse was new or what but she was not my favorite. She couldn't find a vein and just kept poking and poking. She "found" one but nothing was happening so she pushed further in but still nothing. She tried the other arm and at this point, I was so nervous, annoyed, stressed, I had to close my eyes and pray it would end soon. As I squeezed my eyes shut tight and said a little prayer to myself, she is still poking around for a vein then I just feel a squirt and warm liquid all down my arm and hand. I couldn't open my eyes! When she was finally done with the IV, I opened my eyes and sure enough, the right side of my bed was covered in blood. I wanted to quit right then and there! That same nurse came back in and washed my arm and hand off and tucked the blood stained sheet under my body.
The other nurse came in and told me that my blood pressure had risen and that it would have to lower significantly before the surgery. No kidding! I was super stressed out because that other nurse made the IV seem/feel like major surgery!
Finally, Yai Yai and your dad were able to be with me. That alone helped with my blood pressure! I remember just laying there in silence staring off into space, silently having a panic attack. Your dad has never talked so much in the years I've known him. He was trying so hard to get me relaxed and not thinking about the c-section. Bless him.
What felt like the longest wait picked up quickly and my doctor finally came to see me. She sat on the bed with me and read over my birth plan. She introduced me to the anesthesiologist and he also read over the birth plan with me and asked me a few questions. They both reassured it was going to be quick and that it was all going to be OK.
Next thing I knew, I was walking down the hall to the OR with your dad by my side and the video/photographer following behind us. They stopped us at the door and told your dad he needed to get changed. I could tell he was starting to feel frazzled when he was frantically looking around for bathroom to change in! The nurses quickly told him the robe was suppose to go over his clothes haha. That was a nice a little humor break before entering the cold, bright operating room by myself.
I remember hearing the radio on and thinking, "man, this is just a normal day for them but my world is about to turn upside down!" I hugged a pillow and bent forward while the anesthesiologist tried several times to find the perfect spot for the epidural. It's definitely unnerving when you hear, "you're just so petite, I'm having a hard time." That made me freak out even more! He asked me to stay still and I answered him in my head, "how am I suppose to do that when you just said you can't find the right spot of this dang thing!"
Finally, a jolt hit my body and my left leg jerked. He asked me if I was OK and I told him that I was but I wanted to make sure it would work throughout my whole body and not just my left leg. He laid me down and reassured me that it would quickly numb everything. I nervously asked him to test it out. He asked if I could feel the tap and of course, I couldn't. I asked him if it would last the whole surgery and he reassured me that it would. I think he could tell I was over the edge at that point and asked me if I wanted something to calm me down. That was not a part of my plan but I knew I needed it. He was so kind, gave me what I needed to take the edge off, and rubbed my forehead until your dad was allowed in.
As soon as I saw your dad by my head, I just started to cry. I tried to catch my breath but the reality again was hitting me! The anesthesiologist came over again, rubbed my forehead and told me to calm down. He must have thought I was insane but he was still so kind! I honestly loved him and considered him my best friend in that operating room!
Your dad was my other best friend. He took over for the anesthesiologist and rubbed my forehead while he talked to me and told me how much he loved me and how strong I was. I was nervous I would smell weird things and feel extreme amount of tugging on my body but whatever the anesthesiologist gave me made things a bit foggy so I wasn't really 100 percent present. I didn't feel much of anything and just laid there like a vegetable with tears rolling down my face. Finally, I could hear that sweet cry and they lowered the blue curtain to show your sweet face to us through the clear drape. I remember saying loudly, "he looks like me!"
Unfortunately you couldn't come see me right away because the nurses were concerned about you. They worked on you for quite a while, around 20 minutes. I just watched as the doctor was gluing me up. You cried and cried and although you couldn't hear me from where I was lying, I kept telling you it would be OK. Your dad was the first to hold you. He took a photo with you then a nurse wrapped you up and brought you over to me. Still you were crying and as I held you and kissed your sweet face, I told you that you couldn't cry on your birthday!
It was such a surreal moment. There I was being operated on, holding a baby I never thought I would physically carry in my own womb, looking back between your sweet face and your dad's sweet face. I will never forget that moment. I soaked it all in. I was no longer concerned what was going on behind that curtain and I just held you close.
After some skin to skin, we were moved into our room where we would stay for 2 nights. I remember not wanting to put you down yet being so tired and not sure how my arms were operating. A few hours after your were born, you were able to finally meet your big sister! She was excited but I don't think she fully comprehended what was going on. She was mainly concerned about me and kept talking about how I was hurt. After the fog cleared, you and I snuggled as much as possible with the World Cup playing in the background. I was so tired yet so happy to have you here with us!
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I just called to say......I love you.